E: Mom?
Me: Yep?
E: Um, why did we give [Classmate] a ride home from school again today?
Me: Because her mommy doesn't drive.
E: Why?
Me: Because her mommy is sick, sweetie.
E: But she was sick last time.
Me: We'll be driving [Classmate] home every day, because her mommy is sick every day. She has a disease called MS that means her body doesn't work very well right now.
E: She's sick all the time?
Me: Yes.
E: That's... so sad, Mommy. (Starts crying.)
Me: You're right. It is sad. It is.

Out Adulted by a Three Year Old

Me: Pick a lane you stupid effing a-hole!
E: What was that, Mama?
Me: Nothing.
E: What did you say?
Me: Nothing. I was talking to traffic.
E: To who?
Me: To traffic.
E: What did you say?
Me: Nothing.
E: Who were you talking to?
Me: Traffic.
E: What did you say?
Me: Nothing. Never mind.
E: What?
Me: NEVERMIND!
E: What did you say?
Me: (Sticking out tongue, making fart noise with my mouth.)
E: You shouldn't do that to me, Mama.
Me: Why not?
E: Because it's rude. You wouldn't like it if I did that to you.

Indeed. Because she *has* been doing it to me. Ever since. Crap.

E Really Loves This Song

E: The more we get
D: Moe!
E: Together together, The more we get
D: Moe!
E: Together, the happier we'll be.
D: Be!
E: Cause my friends are your friends
D: Fwennns!!!
E: And your friends are my friends
D: Fwennns!
E: The more we get together
D: Moe!
E: The happier we'll be.
D: BEEEEE!

Secret Evil Foot

So, I know you're dying to know about the foot thing. (Um... or not.)

Well, it's been a full seven days without any foot complaints. Could be coincidence. Could be the "magic" bar of soap. Could be the placebo affect. Could be that we'll hear about the foot again tonight.

We did measure the children though, and since April, E has grown an inch and a half (which might explain why she's shot from size 2T to 4 in less than four months), and D has grown an incredible three inches!

For posterity, a conversation with E:
E: Mom, so... if you don't have a chimney, how does Santa get in your house?
Me: He goes through the keyhole.
E: Oh. What if you don't have a chimney or a keyhole?
Me: Everyone has a chimney or a keyhole. (Reconginizing now that the correct response was, "Magic." I maintain a B- average in parenting.)
E: What if a bad bad witch comes and she flies away with all of the chimneys and all of the keyholes?
Me: Well, Santa always finds a way.
E: He does!?!?


Can we take a moment to notice that this is JULY?

Helpful

At midnight, when E is up for the fourth time complaining that her foot hurts (WTF, no seriously.), it's good to remember that this happened earlier in the day:

E: Whose birthday is next, mama?
Me: Baby Q's is.
E: Oh! Are we gonna go to his house and sing him "Happy Birthday"?
Me: Actually, guess what? His birthday is going to be at the new pool.
E: The new one? The one with the yellow slide? With the big big big big slide?
Me: Yep. If they finish it in time anyway.
E: Oh. We should help them!
Me: How?
E: You go get the pool and bring it here and I will fill it up with our hose! Our hose that is on our house!
Me: Oh. That's a good idea, but I'm not sure it will work.
(We'll forget about the crying and fit throwing that happened next.)

Dirts and Bwooms

E on gardening:
You go to the store and you tell them that you want seeds and you want dirts. And then you have a garden.

D saying "down":
downdowndowndowndowndowndown

D saying "up":
DOWN!!!!!!!! DOWN!!!!!!!!

D reads a book about a witch:
Bwoom! (Turns page, points) Bwoom! (Turns page, points) Bwoom!, etc.

Because I don't want her to say "vagina" in the grocery store

Me: Sweetie, you have to wipe the front first then the back.

E: What does that mean?

Me: You don't want to get poo poo in the front. It will make you sick.

E: What's the front?

Me: Right there. The front.

E: What are you saying, Mama?

Me: Front first. THEN back.

E: What are you talkin' about?

Me: Let me wipe you, okay?

E: No! I can do it.

Me: Okay. Let's start over. Take this. Wipe your front. Right there. Okay. Now throw that in the toilet. Okay, good. Now take this. And wipe in the back. Back there. The butt part. Good. Now do that every time.

E: Um... what?

Isms

Eism:
Ladies and gentlemen!
Boys and girls!
Welcome to the parade of the girl who loves raisins!

Dism:
(Screeches LOUDLY in grocery store, while pointing at a watermelon) BALL!!!!!